I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Randomize