I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
