Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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