my phone needs a breathalizer
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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