If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
