you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
