haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
