found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Sorry about my life...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
