I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
this is an emotional support booty call
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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