Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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