Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
