Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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