eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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