I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
