i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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