Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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