I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
she peed on how many people?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
