just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
