Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
