Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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