I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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