halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
