i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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