It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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