I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I understand Curling. That high.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
