I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize