Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
