You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
