hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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