it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
