just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My ass is underappreciated
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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