I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
