NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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