Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
