I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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