I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
