So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
