My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Floor bacon is actually really good
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