Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
