Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
