You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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