I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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