It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
