I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
