My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
