i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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