Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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