My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
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