I puked a lego.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
there was a trapeze. enough said
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize