This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
