these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
