The maid of honor just puked.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
